Lost, Naked, and Confused

But I'm not.

I think I'll turn this into an art journal. Mostly because I have the technology to do so. And that in turn makes me joyous. That and the Livejournal wasn't doing it for me. There was so much that was required to get the damn things on the internet. You have to be sneaky to Geoshitties and I think doing that it somewhat illegal. All's well that ends well.

Being that I don't update this thing often at all:

* I survived my first semester of college.
* Still at La Bou
* Made some new friends, got rid of some old ones.
* Got a tattoo.
* Total of twelve peircings on my person.
* The President of the United States Sucks Cock.
* I'm still working on my novel.

That's really all you need to know.

That and I've finally found my art muse. It fluttered away for a while in there but it's back.

I'm actively working and going to school. Fall semester will be fun. I'll get to paint and whatnot. Unfortunately I'm going to miss out on getting to sing 'O Fortuna'. D-sempai can sing it for me.

Beyond that there's really nothing else to say.

I'm out.

Well, here are Jean and Luc. They're my new tatties. :D

I have to pay my fees. If I do not, I am fucked up the ass. I'm talking hardcore, gay porn fucked.

Or else I'll just be dropped from all of hte classes and have to reapply. Oh fuckity well.

The family is watching Pirates of the Carabean in the front room. Mum blew out the circut breakers in the back of the house so the bathrooms have no lights. It was interesting to take a shower by candlelight. All of the details of my body just sort of faded away.

I went out with the cody this evening. That was okay. I wasn't really expecting anything. We went over to Starbuckies and had frappies. He got the same thing I did. He's doing the college thing. I asked him about his music and he said he didn't have time right now. After that we went to the BV winter concert for band. It was nice.

The music was good and everything. I'm really angry right now. I don't want to be anywhere near people. I feel like I'm slinking around everytime I'm near my family. My mother's the only one that even cares if I'm home. FUck people.

My classes are all set up for next semester. Hopefully I'll have the cash to pay for them. I kinda want to see the Pirates movie, but I'm tired.

I got to drive the Cody car because he didn't know where the hell he was going. It was kind of funny. ^__^

It just started to pour outside.

I like it when it rains.

I have to start on my art final. FUCK ME. >< FUCKFUCKFUCK. That takes MONEY. GODDAMNIT I HAVE NO MONEY!!!!! >______________________________________<

And I have no time either. My manager has scheduled me a fucking LOT.

Oh well. At least that'll get me some cash. I'll just have to drop the classes that I want and settle for something different. *lesigh*

I'm sort of in limbo right now.

I forgot to mention it earlier. I have more holes now! I have a total of twelve. Two cartilage peircings on each side and four down each lobe. I want a few more, but that's pushing it too far for said jobs that pay more money.

Growing my hair out too.

So just show me how to live.

Life is very boring right now. There's a lot that I can't say on my other journals because of the people reading, or whatever. I don't think anyone knows about this blog because no one reads my art journal.

That's all fine.

I'm getting better with shading and such in my drawing. I actually got a compliment out of Snap. I thought the world was going to stop.

Jess was right about college life, it really changes things. One really has to work to keep their friends. Jade is just gone. And, it doesn't really hurt anymore. She'll just talk to me whenever she feels she has something she needs to ask me about. Alidia, is available whenever she chooses to be. She's too busy flirting with all of the sexy friends she has.

(Sexy people tend to hang in clumps, I've noticed this. )

Annie is happily in Japan, I miss her bunches. I want to spend more time with Lexess, but she's hard to get a hold of. And she lives the fuck and gone away. o.o

Poor Raoul. He has to drive so much. o.o

I have the Camcam sort of. We're weird. he has the body language of a boyfriend, but we're just... weird friends. The boys ... eh... they're the boys. They like their magic games, and they sort of hang out at home and do their own thing.

Jess is sort of stuck in limbo like I am. It's his birthday soon. Fuck me.

No CASH.

I really need to start applying around for a better job. I have to. It's imperative. o.o

I like La Bou but I'm going to need more money in the future. *sigh*

Dad's right unfortunately, in that I am taking care of business.

And my life has really turned into 'Same Shit, Different Day.'

I've come finally to accept and realize that I won't be a comercial, professional artist ever I don't think.

My art teacher who actually knows what the fuck he's doing, really has no compliments for me. There's nothing I do that he likes.

It's kind of a fitting end to my small dreams. I always thought at least I would get out of Sacramento.

But here I am. I'm almost nineteen years old. Still a virgin. Going to jr. college, at a part time job with a car that is falling apart, in a family that is falling apart and no future in sight.

I feel a bit like I'm trapped in a cage.

I've got these silly dreams, that one day I might marry a singer, or a great artist, or someone really cool. So at least that way I could ride along with their fame. That's what I've come down to.

The universe I think, in a way was very cruel to me. I'm good at several things.

I sing, I paint, draw, watercolor, sketch, dance, act, cook, write.

However, I'm not exceptional at any of those things.

And to be noticed in this world, one has to be exceptional.

And I'm not.

And right now, I'm very lonely. Very, very lonely.

Class is going to be over in a few more weeks. Then we'll see what happens next.

Gar. That took a long time. I forgot my login and password. It's been a while since I've written in this thing.

Well. Hm.

Life is going. I'm back with La Bou. It's not bad though, the Carmichael store is awesome compared to the old one that I worked at. *blargh*

I played hookie in my math class today - I just didn't go.

I'm trying to do my Japanese homework, but I'm not getting anywhere with it. Mostly because I'm talking with someone. *smirk*

Fall has finally come. And I'm really glad for it. There needed to be a change in the seasons.

Jade is in San Fran. Koji is in Japan. Alidia is in San Diego.

Quoth the Camcamcam, "Your home-boys miss you. All of your girl friends hella moved away."

Yup.

I have some remaining. The Chi and the B mostly. There are a few others. I'm not completely stranded in this pit, but I am stuck here. I hate my school, I hate driving to it, and I hate this fucking down.

There's no where else to go. Things wouldn't get better if I were in a different place. Things would be a lot worse, I think.

*shrug*

I don't know what to do with myself. I jointed the GLBTQ club @ ARC. They're nice people, but a lot of them are very political. I'm not a very political person.

Neh. I have a total of eight ear-pericings now. I got my cartilage on the left side done. Now I'm all equal-like.

I got chapter eight of Perfectly Normal done and up as well.

Nothing else is really going on. I really, really want to find a girlfriend or a boyfriend. But it seems like such a treacherous road! Fuck the hormones, let's take the safe way.

I've got nothing right now folks. Nothing worth mention. :P

not that anyone actually reads this anyway. :)

Ai and I were speaking today about something and the subject got around to what I think of myself. This is not a particularly interesting subject and it always causes problems. but I can't stay away from it. Maybe I'm trying to subliminally fix myself.

Basically my impression of myself is I'm a fat, awkward but well-meaning and submissive person. That is what I think of myself. That is how I see myself. I am a little artistic and I like to dance, but they aren't traits that make me shine.

I was thinking today of how I would love to shine with tallent. Like Stuart Townsend does as he slinks across a screen. Or like Celine Dion does as she belts it out on stage. Like Linda B does and all of the other wonderful artists on Devart. I wish that I could shine like that. But I don't shine. Not at all.

Mom once said to me, 'look at how much you have accomplished, sketchbooks filled with drawings'. She's never done anything like that. And it only serves to make me feel petty for belittling myself. But I can't help it. Someone started me on the path to comparison. Maybe it was myself. All those years ago. I don't know.

I just hate myself.

And I need reassurance. I can't ask for it though. Not from anybody. They tell me that I need to fix it myself. I can't fix it. This is a terminal software glitch.

Sam told me that I have a 'rock-hard demeanor'. I asked him to elaborate and he told me that I seemed very detached and closed from everything around me.

Maybe that's so. In that way, I'm safe.

I can't take compliments, even from well-meaning people. I think they're nice only because they're my friends.

I don't know where all of these self-destructive ideas came from. But they are in my head. It's safe that way. If I don't try, if I don't reach out, if I don't let them in, they won't hurt me. There's nothing in here to see. If I remain like a puzzle, then they'll have to solve me and try.

I didn't get the job at GameCrazy. They were interviewing for an upper-management position. I have no managment skills and training, so I don't think that will be for me. The inability to get work only adds to my general feeling of uselessness.

Sometimes I feel so worthless. I can't create anything, I can't even get a fucking job.

Snap's not talking to me again. For a while it was all good and fine. We were chatting right away. Maybe she's sad now too. Maybe I'm sad because she's sad. I've been known to link to my friends before.

I'm just exhausted. Alidia really hurt me when she left without a word. I don't want to talk to her anymore. If she ever calls me, I'm going to hang up on her. I'm done with that.

I don't know what to do with Cameron either. He's like my little bro, but, sometimes I just feel like I'm in another world.

Annie-bear's going to Japan. Only a few days from now. And college is starting too. I have no money. And there is going to be a fee-hike. I don't know where I'm going to pull the money out of. And it scares me.

Am I really that closed?

But then again, it makes sense. It's what I've taught myself to do. Don't cry. Don't show emotion. Don't show interest. Don't let them know that they've gotten to you. If they can't see the blood they won't push any further. I've let my father, my mother, everyone push me around. The bro and I push back and forth, taking out our frustrations with the amount of control and punishment in our lives on one-another.

I haven't written on my novel in months. I just want to finish it.

That's all.

I just want to do something to make everyone look at me. I want to be loved. I want them to notice me. I want to be accepted.

I want things that everyone wants.

I don't have them.

I can't pull people to me. John says that I have natural charisma. But I think he's so wrong. Whatever this is, does not pull people that I want toward me. I get all of the other lost souls, looking for someone to love them.

How can I not love them?

I want to sing. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm not good enough.

It's not good to tell a child that it has natural tallent. Because I have natural tallent, I want to do it all on my own.

And the harsh reality of things slaps me in the face. It hurts me. I get jealous of the other people who are just years older than me, or months, or younger than me, that can toss off flawless things to me.

I don't understand. I wish that I hadn't been born with a spark, but rather a FLAME. I want to SHINE, not shimmer.

And I can't.

Which is part of the reason that I would kill myself, if I could.

I hate being alive.

I have no self-confidance. However, everyone knew that, so that isn't the issue at hand. The issue at hand is how very warm I am, and how no one wants to talk to me online. *cries*

That and I think that 'Invoke' is one of the greatest Gundam openings ever. There are a lot of them, but I think Invoke is one of the most powerful. The guy singing in it is wonderful. I'm working on a painting of an angel in an egg. It's pretty painting, and I LOVELOVELOVE oils. They're... sexy.

My CG would be sexy if I had a tablet. However, I do not have a tablet, so my CG is not as sexy as it could be. Someday. Someday. *blah*

I don't really have much else to say. I went out to a club the other day and got my butt molested by a black man. And then security came over and told me to put on my shoes. *giggle* Other than that, it was an uneventful night.

Two days until school starts. o.o PHWEEE! I'm not ready for college yet! And I do mean that litterally! I don't have any money so I can't pay for anything. And I haven't mannaged to land a job yet.

I might have one at GameCrazy, but probably not. They're screening a bunch of candidates. I'm probably not going to be selected because I have (dundundun) NO MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE!

Fuck it. I'm going to go paint.

Well, I went to my first nightclub this evening. It was everything I expected it to be. No more, no less. Beautiful people packed in back to back, moving as a giant ameoba.

Maybe that's nothing to everyone else, but I'd never been to anything like that. I had a relatively good time. I was a little too stupid to realize that I was being flirted with. And other than that one boy, I was too tall, too fat, and too white to be in that club. Everyone else looked beautiful. I think I looked strange, in my bondage pants, my black tank. Everything back, other than my hair that was blonde adn the wrong colour.

I didn't mind the experience. I think that I'll go back again on Goth-night sometime. I'll fit in better there. Because there's techno-opera. And there will be more people like me. And that isn't bad. Not all goths are skinny. It just doesn't happen that way.

I danced a LOT. I can tell that my body is going to be sore. But for my first experience of the sort, I wasn't with a bad crowd. I was with people that I really trusted. I wish that Cam could have been with me. He's the male half of me, my brother or something. And he really likes enviroments like that. We'll see how things go.

I may go to Faces sometime. It's a gay bar downtown. Perhaps I'll find people more to my taste. Even as I tried to dance with the men, it was me that defeated myself. I kept thinking 'oh, they don't want to dance with me, I'm too ugly.'

Even as I tried to be self-confidant and carry myself with pride, there was just nothing. I don't have the dance spark.

Eh. I didn't mind the experience as a whole.

I think I'm going to work on some of my little projects and then go to sleep.

"Sleeping... do you want to watch me sleep, Kuriyamimizu? ::Smirks.:: "

Yes.... yes I do. Very much. I think you're so beautiful. In every sense of the word. I tell you, but it doesn't matter. Everyone else thinks that you're beautiful too. But it's so painful for me to ponder over something so sweet, that I could never ever have.

Silly girl. To say such things, to a plain girl.